Talking With Your Child About Tragedy

I write this post with a deep and primal sadness.  I am sitting with the news of the Newtown killings.  Trying not to move too quickly into doing, thinking, expressing.  Trying to just feel and honor the sadness.

However, I have two children.  So I must do, think, and express.  My husband and I want to be their primary contacts for information and concerns before their peers and instead of youtube.  I want this to be a time when we share our sadness, reaffirm our love, and discuss the many ways we protect and care for each other.

Here are some resources that I have found helpful as a parent and a professional to navigate this difficult and heartrending terrain. 

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has an excellent guide for discussing the shooting with your child.  It’s straightforward and simple.  NPR also has a page of advice, which is brief but good.

If your children range in age from pre-school to grade school/middle school, tailor your general conversation to the youngest, not the oldest.  Have separate conversations with your older children.  Explain to them the need to handle this differently for the younger siblings.  Ask for their leadership and cooperation with this.

VAIS has posted this reassuring and instructive article from Drs. Robert Evans and Mark Kline.  If your child is in a dual-household family, share these resources so you can create a common approach and common language.  Make sure that you and your co-parent(s) can agree on basics – media exposure and creating a safe and loving environment. 

If necessary, please try to characterize the shooter in terms that are clear to children, both young and old.  Using a simple descriptor such as “extremely dangerous” is less ambiguous to children (and more accurate) than “angry,” “upset,” or “mentally ill.”  We can get angry or upset when they put glitter glue on the dog.  We may have family members or friends who are mentally ill but not dangerous.  Explaining this difference can help children with their fears and uncertainty.

You may choose to discuss how important it is for all of us to get help when we need it – with our emotions and our behaviors.  I have explicitly talked with the 3^rd-5^th graders this year about Hero Bystanders.  When we notice any kind of dangerous behavior, we must report the situation to a trusted adult.  Especially if there are weapons involved.  This is not tattling but reporting.  This is helping someone OUT of trouble rather than getting someone INTO trouble.  In our community, when anyone is showing behavior that is dangerous to themselves or others, we must get help right away.

Remind your children that Sabot actively teaches kids how to safely express emotions and that we make sure children and adults get help from professionals when they need it – for problems big and small.  Help your child identify adults to go to for help at home and at school. 

The American Counseling Association has posted a factsheet about children’s responses to trauma and disasters.  If your child’s reactions begin to disrupt his ability to function, please contact a community professional.  Sabot parents can email me with questions and concerns.

Even if we do not know the bereft families personally, we still grieve for the loss of life.  Create or participate in a personal or community ritual to frame your mourning.  Visit your place of worship for a prayer service, vigil, or just to light a candle.  Join with others to walk the labyrinth or to meditate.  Group rituals can strengthen our connections in our community while lifting our spirits.

We are so blessed to live around the James River – my favorite place to remember the unending nature of life.  Be in nature.  Find a way to ground yourself in what is and always will be.  

Share with your child some small things that comfort you:  drinking a cup of tea, snuggling with a pet, reading a favorite book, listening to or making music, spending time with a friend, or holding someone’s hand.

You may choose to light a candle in your home to honor the lives that were lost.  If your children wish to participate, they can place artwork, poetry, a special bit of nature, or a toy by the candle.

Be sad.  Express.  Love.  Connect.

Point of View

Once upon a time there were six blind men who all lived in the same town. One day the circus came to town and the men went to see the elephant. But how could they? The first man said, “We can feel him.”
 “That’s a great idea!” said the rest. 


So each man went to feel the elephant. 
The first man touched the elephant’s big, flat ear. He felt it move slowly back and forth. 
 “Oh” he said, “An elephant is like a giant fan!”


The second man touched the elephant’s leg. “Oh, an elephant is like a tree!”


The third man felt the tail and said, “No you are both wrong. The elephant is like a rope.” 


But the fourth man disagreed. He felt the elephant’s pointed tusk and said, “Ouch! An elephant is like a spear.”


“No” said the fifth man, “Can’t you tell an elephant is like a wall?” He was feeling the elephant’s huge side.

The sixth man grabbed hold of the elephant’s tusk. “You are all wrong! An elephant is like a snake!”


The men continued to argue, each one certain he was right. “It’s a fan.” “No, a tree.” “Surely a rope!” “No, it’s a snake!” “You’re wrong. I’m right!”

Finally they got tired of shouting at each other and they all went home. So none of them ever found out what an elephant really was.

I read this story to the 7th Graders last week as part of a series of guidance lessons on bias.  It generated a great discussion about perspective, assumptions, and judging.  Each character in the story clings to his own experience and each walks away with an incomplete understanding of the elephant and of each other's experience.

We reflected on how our experience may be different from someone else's in the same situation and how our truth may only be a part of the whole picture.  At which point, one student said, "That's like Plato's Cave."  The other students leaned in with interested, questioning expressions.  The student explained how the people in Plato's Cave were shackled to the cave wall and could only see the shadows of reality, never the true, authentic reality.  "They could never see what was really going on."

Wow.  I was impressed with this student's insight and I was equally impressed by the rapt, respectful attention of the other students.  

After we spent some time digesting this story and imagery, I described experiencing a house by looking through one window.  I can look through the window and see into a room but not see the whole room.  I certainly cannot see the whole house.  Each of us might look through a different window and have a completely different sense of what lies within the house.  

Possibly, if we all shared what we each see through our window, we can move closer to the truth about what lies within the entire house.  

Share your point of view honestly and bravely.  Honor and respect the perspective of others.  No small challenge for the typical middle school student.  No small challenge for any of us.

Sleepovers, Summer Camp, and Resilience

Paul Tough's book, "How Children Succeed," has me pondering how we encourage resilience in children.  I'm sure I will have many more posts on this subject, but I thought I would share an article from The Washington Post  by Carolyn Butler that I had filed away this past summer on sleepovers, summer camp, and resilience.

"One of the things that troubles me about this generation is that we want our children endlessly challenged academically, but we don’t seem to want their resilience challenged in other ways. You can’t know you’re resilient until your resilience is challenged. And resilience or grit is key because it’s what gets you through the hard times in life." 

Wings

For the past month or so, I have been visiting the 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classrooms talking about Bullying.  One concept that I've explored with the children has been the role of a bystander.  Who is a bystander?  How can a bystander make a difference?  When have you been a bystander and what happened?  What is the responsibility of a bystander?

Last week, I read "Wings" by Christopher Myers to the 5th graders.  I absolutely love Myers' collages and I thought that the class would also appreciate the dramatic tale of Ikarus Jackson.  They did.  We discussed the artwork, Ikarus and his wings, and the powerful impact of a bystander.

We talked about superpowers and how sometimes what makes us special, powerful even, can make us feel different.  The other kids (and adults) in the story took Ikarus' difference and used it as a tool for bullying.  But one bystander, with her courage and truth, celebrated Ikarus' wings.

What are your wings?  What is your superpower?  Has someone ever helped you when you had a tough time celebrating your differences?

Finding Stillness in One Moment

Have you felt it lately?  Maybe it crept in with the cooler weather, the high pressure slipping under a cold front.  It arrives without fail each autumn for me:  an ever-increasing tempo of obligations, expectations, and not-to-be-missed opportunities that snowball into Thanksgiving and then crash into the winter holidays.

My first line of defense is to just breathe.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat. 

Breathe.  Relax the face.  The shoulders.  Breathe.  Let the world spin without me for one minute.  Maybe two.  Breathe.  Ground my feet.  Straighten my spine.  Find a lightness.

Breathe in peace.  Breathe out stress.  Breathe in expansion.  Breathe out confinement.  Breathe in acceptance.  Breathe out judgment.

I wake early in the morning to have my quiet moment of the day.  To sit with a cup of tea in the chilly darkness of the morning and connect with that which will always be, no matter what the day brings.  My breath.  This earth.  The stillness. 

I will carry this core of peace inside me throughout the commotion of the day.  Returning to it whenever I need it.  Returning to calmness.  To stillness.

I find that this stops the snowballing stress and I can find greater perspective, patience, and tolerance.

If you are interested in how mindfulness, meditation, and inward focus can benefit you or your children, please look into a wonderful upcoming opportunity:

On Saturday, November 10^th, Joe Klein from Inward Bound Mindfulness Education is coming to Ekoji (3411 Grove Avenue) to hold a day retreat.  From 9am-4pm, there will be a retreat for adults.  From 6pm-10pm, there will be a teen event.

Ekoji offers a Family Mindfulness Meditation from 1pm-2pm this Sunday, October 14^th with a Teen Mindfulness Meditation following from 2:30pm-3:30pm.  This is offered monthly.  What a great way to establish a family practice of meditation!

If right now you are saying to yourself, “That’s fine for others, but not for me.  I have no time and no quiet in my life,” I offer you this video on One Moment Meditation.  Try it out …

Being Yourself

I am not a fan of frequent screen time for kids (or adults), but I love having a family movie night now and then with my kids.  It is sometimes a struggle to find a movie that everyone can enjoy, but the documentary, Being Elmo, was a hit for all of us.  As an added bonus, Being Elmo solidly supports our three middle school themes:  Identity, Community, and Advocacy.  

This is the story of Elmo creator, Kevin Clash, and his journey from being a kid in a Baltimore neighborhood who likes to play with dolls to becoming one of the most popular puppeteers in the world.  Clash maintains his focus and sense of self despite clearly standing out as a child and teen (a strong portrayal of identity); his family, neighbors, and colleagues support his journey as a young, struggling puppeteer (community support); and even after “making it” in the entertainment business, Clash finds the time to support the Make a Wish Foundation and also mentor young puppeteers, never forgetting how he was supported as a young man (a cycle of advocacy).  

There are so many "guidance themes" in this movie:  perseverance, focus, attention to detail, and the importance of parental support to just name a few.  After viewing this movie, try talking to your child about what helped Clash succeed and what might have stood in his way.  This is also a great opportunity for a discussion on non-mainstream careers and following your passion.  

Being Elmo is a much-deserved tribute to Kevin Clash but it is also pays homage to the power of creativity and love.  Here is a review of Being Elmo from The Washington Post.

Meditations on Creativity and Risk

Last night, I attended the Richmond Symphony performance of Mahler’s Symphony No. 1 in D Major.  What a tremendous emotional journey!  I will spare you my pedestrian music review (suffice it to say that I was transported and loved every note), but I would like to share some of my thoughts following the performance. 

When this piece premiered, it received overwhelmingly negative criticism and boos from the audience.  Now, it is one of the most frequently performed symphonies around the world.  In his day, Mahler was seen as a great conductor but a failed composer – and yet in our day, he is celebrated as one of our finest composers.

How did Gustav Mahler continue to compose despite negative criticism and discouragement?  Where does one find the will to create in an unsupportive environment? 

Obviously, creativity and expression require risk and vulnerability.  History is littered with great innovators who were underappreciated, discouraged, or ridiculed by those around them.  Some survived to be recognized for their achievements.  Others died with no acclaim.  

How do we, as educators, encourage students to take these necessary risks, to be open to mistakes and criticism, to learn and grow?  How do we develop a student’s inner strength and confidence – the ability to see past initial failure or to see beyond perceived failure?

A dear friend once gave me some advice as I was preparing for a recital.  I was telling him about my terrible performance anxiety and how I fall apart in front of an audience – hitting the wrong notes, messing up the tempo, etc.  He told me, “Whenever I hit a wrong note, I do it with confidence.  I go with it – maybe even hitting it wrong again on purpose.” 

Now I certainly don’t have his sense of panache, but he helped me see that my fear of failure was more powerful than the actual mistake.  The truth of the moment was not in the wrong note but in my response to the wrong note.  Could I celebrate the mistake and get past it? 

Fear can stop us from moving forward, from learning a skill, mastering a concept, or sharing a talent.  What if nobody likes it?  What if I mess up?  What if I get the answer wrong?  What if someone laughs at me?

Mahler was definitely affected by the negative criticism surrounding him (he completely reworked his first symphony only to have the next version meet the same disappointing reaction), but he chose to honor his inner voice rather than the tastes of his audience.   Mahler’s biographer Henry-Louis de La Grange writes that “the emotions [Mahler] needed to express were so overpowering that he was not much concerned with his future listeners’ reactions.”  I am thankful that Mahler persevered.  

I do not want my students to let their fears block their growth.  I want to encourage determination and inner strength by providing a learning community that is a safe space to risk innovation.  To embrace mistakes with confidence.  To develop an inner voice that can guide through obstacle and opposition.

In life, there will be wrong answers.  There will be mistakes.  There will be times when our hard work and personal expressions are met with boos and negativity.  We cannot let this stop us from sharing our voice and our gifts.

Thank you, Gustav Mahler, for your tenacity and courage.